Grindr in a Relationship

At what point of a new relationship do you deactivate your Grindr account?

Let’s say you’re actively seeking a relationship and you meet up with someone who’s also actively seeking a relationship. You go to Starbucks, you talk, everything is going well. You grab dinner, drinks, get to know each other. Maybe you kiss good night. Maybe you fuck.

And then he leaves and you check your Grindr.

Doesn’t that seem like you’re not taking it seriously?

I see so many people on Grindr while in budding relationships and it seems self-defeating. If you’re always looking for something else, you can’t really work on what you have right in front of you. Now, sure, they might say they’re there for chat or to make friends, but I call bullshit. The app is designed around sex, and sex enters in to any and every conversation between anonymous torso squares.

Now, I’m not judging at all. I’m just saying be honest with yourself and with others about your motives. And Grindr is a great tool for people in open relationships to find extramarital hookups, threeways, fourgies, whatever. But if you’ve got a boyfriend that you’re supposedly monogamously committed to, maybe Grindr isn’t the app for you. Bored and looking for friends? Download Blendr, or join Making Waves or go on the gay ski trip. A gay cruising app doesn’t say to the world (or your boyfriend) that you’ve emotionally invested yourself in the relationship.

And of course, for Grindr, read Manhunt, Scruff, Growlr, PoF, Adam4Adam, squirt, dudesnude…

But at what point do you stop using the app? There’s a whole area between first connection and forever commitment, and somewhere in that dating zone, there comes a point where you turn to each other and say “I think it’s time to take our relationship to the next level. Let’s delete our Grindrs.” The Fifties had getting pinned; the 2010s have app-deletion.

Men are hunting creatures by nature, and checking out a hot guy even after years with a partner is not only expected but even acceptable. It’s just looking right? Is that all Grindr and other similar apps are? Just a sexually-charged shopping mall to window shop in? Where is the line between innocent Grindr chatting and cheating? When the shirtless torso sends you a message checking if you’re DTF, when do you say “sorry I’m seeing someone?” Is trading nudes cheating? Is dirty talk cheating? Those are questions every couple decides for themselves, and you never know the parameters of someone else’s relationship.

It’s not always just a matter of you knowing why you’re there. Sure, you might know that there’s nothing unacceptable going on, and you might know (or be pretty sure anyway) that your boyfriend knows there’s nothing unacceptable going on, but what does your presence on Grindr while in a relationship say to the rest of the world? And does it matter?

Everyone has to answer those questions themselves. I’m just holding out for someone I’d delete the app for.

originally published on QMagazine