Saul and his sons died as Samuel had foreseen. David became king and defeated the Philistines in battle. His reign was glorious. Israel prospered and held steadfast to the laws of God and Moses. David then died, and his son Solomon ascended the throne, again in violation of the laws of primogeniture, but by this time, that was expected and no one cared.
Solomon was a very wise king, and Israel expanded and flourished during his time on the throne. An example of this wisdom should be shown, for it is infamous among those who study the wisdom of Solomon.
Each of two women claimed the same baby as her own. They each had a right, involving those annoying laws of surrogacy, but Solomon, in his inhuman wisdom, solved this delicate situation by executing both women and giving the child to the father, who had a mistress on the side anyway.
After Solomon's death, civil war divided the kingdom, and Jeroboam ruled the state of Israel in the north while Rehoboam ruled the state of Judah in the south. Neither kingdom prospered especially, because the kings that ruled were, for the most part, bumbling idiots. Oh sure, there were the occasional good kings, but they paled in light of the sheer badness of the majority. For example, King Ahab and his wife Jezebel: while the people clambered for monarchial reform all around them, and went without bread, the monarchs, in typical monarchial stupidity, asked the leaders of the rebels why the people did not eat cake. Idol worship. Lustful orgies, drunken binges, raping and pillaging, they sound fun enough, but not when it's against your own people!
God hated being single. It really bit, to be the Most-Supreme-Unstoppable-Dude this side of Rome and to still have to spend Saturday nights at home with his parakeet. Although it required a bit of pride swallowing, God asked Zeus to set him up. Zeus, always a good friend, had just the right girl in mind: his daughter Athena.
God and Athena went out for McNectar's, which was the latest rage in all the poshest paradises. They strolled along the banks of several fine rivers. God applauded while Athena built up a mighty civilization in Mexico, and Athena chuckled softly while God did his “appearing in a taco” trick. They were getting along great and God invited her up to his hotel room in the Jerusalem Plaza.
While walking toward the hotel, they were accosted by a stinking old man, wearing a sandwich board that read "The end of the world is nigh!" Athena was disgusted and God shooed the man away.
"Who was that?" she asked.
"Oh, just crazy old Jeremiah. He hasn't been the same since he got locked in the sewer for a year."
Up in the hotel room, God excused himself to freshen up. He quickly Scoped and fixed his hair, and made sure he had an ample supply of condoms in his wallet. He wasn't like Zeus, fathering bastards all over the world. He was a responsible God. Back in the bedroom, God turned on the divine charm and put the moves on Athena.
The daughter of Zeus was taken aback. "When you asked me up for a drink, I thought you meant just a drink. What kind of a girl do you take me for?"
"An easy one hopefully."
Athena slapped him and stormed out of the room. God sat there nursing his reddened cheek. He cursed and swore, thanked himself that the room had a decent porn channel, and then vowed never to have anything to do with virgins ever again. So uptight and prudish. Give him a little Aphrodite every time.
It came to pass that the Israelites misbehaved. (The Israelites, you say? Misbehave? Never!) But yes, they misbehaved, and the much more powerful Babylonian empire squashed whatever insignificant king sat on the throne, and carted off the population to captivity in Babylon, that most glorious of cities.
There was this guy named Daniel, and him and three of his buddies were employed in the service of the king. The Master of the Eunuchs was in charge of them, and he sat them down one day for meat and wine, such being the fodder on which all men of the court feasted. Daniel, of course, being a righteous man, could not violate the laws of the Lord and eat such unclean things, but try explaining that to someone whose job (and head) could be lost if the king wasn't happy with the quality of one's work.
"Give us ten days of only vegetables and Evian water, Oh Mighty One," Daniel said, "and see if we look as healthy as the others in your employ."
"Fine. Ten days."
Daniel and his three buddies, whose names were Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, spent the next ten days eating next to nothing in public, and then gorging themselves at the Hanging Gardens Bar and Grill around the corner in their off-hours. After ten days of greasy yet delicious burgers, fries, and milkshakes, all four looked perfectly healthy and the Master of Eunuchs let them continue on in the "ways of their faith". You see, it wasn't so much that Daniel feared God, it was just that he was a bit of a snob and didn't want to eat with the rest of the Babylonian filth in the palace.
However, it came to pass that Daniel, like the dreamer Joseph before him and the great psychics Nostradamus and JoJo who were to come after him, had the chance to interpret the dreams of a powerful man, the great Nebuchadnezzar himself.
King Nebuchadnezzar (herein called simply Nebby) had a dream. There was a statue. Head of gold. Chest of silver. Waist of bronze. Legs of iron. Feet of clay. A big rock came along and hit the statue, shattering the feet, causing the entire statue to come tumbling down and break into a kazillion pieces. The noise woke King Nebby up, and he called for anyone in the kingdom to interpret this most disturbing dream.
"Picture this," Daniel said to King Nebby. "The statue represents the entire passage of time. Yours is the kingdom of gold. Later will come kingdoms of silver, and bronze, and iron. Yours is still gold though, the best, the absolute epitome of kingdomships."
"Yes, yes, get on with it."
"The clay feet represent how people will become to lazy to bother building a half-decent statue, and the rock is some great metaphorical incarnation of an art critic destroying the works of civilization."
"Huh?"
Daniel paused. That last part hadn't sounded right at all. "Uh..."
"Off with his head!"
"Whoa!" Daniel screamed as the guards came to take him away. "Who are you, the Queen of Hearts?"
"Fine. Leave him his head. Toss him into the lion's den."
"D'oh!" Daniel swore, banging his forehead with his fist. "That's pretty much the writing on the wall for me." He was fed to the lions, and, contrary to popular belief, the lions ate him all up.
Meanwhile, Daniel's Three Amigos weren't faring much better. They had also caught the angry eye of King Nebby, for not participating in heathen acts and barbaric rituals, preferring instead to stay in their one-room apartment and participate in their own specialized form of male bonding. King Nebby decreed that they all be thrown into a fiery furnace.
They held each other's hands and walked into the furnace. Upon entering, they realized that they probably should have put up more of a fight. Maybe protested a little. As it was, this realization came too late. They burned to death, and that was the end of the Three Musketeers.
One may have gathered that the days of the Israelites in Babylon were not exactly fun-filled. If so, one gathered right.
There was a city called Nineveh, which was, in many respects, similar to that most infamous of cities, Sodom. They too had wild parties, and preferred the company of the "fun crowd of deities": Dionysus, Aphrodite, Eros, you know, that usual bunch of partiers. God didn't like the city much, and since it was a particularly boring week on the telly, he decided to have a little fun with them.
He found a guy named Jonah, and told Jonah to go to Nineveh and predict its destruction. Jonah, who was not from Nineveh but who lived close enough to go there to the bars on Saturday nights, was not about to help in the desolation of his favorite nightclubs, so he refused. Angry, God threatened to turn Jonah into wood. Thinking that somewhat of a lame threat, Jonah ignored him, and went for a cruise of the Greek Isles, which was highly in vogue now thanks to the Hermian Travel Agency. Fuming, God took Jonah's father, pet cat, and girlfriend, and put them all in the belly of a whale. When Jonah heard about this, he was greatly confused. If his father was dead, he would inherit a small fortune, and the cat was just annoying anyway, but the girlfriend was another matter entirely. Resigned to his fate, and sure that the Ninevites would rebuild anyway, Jonah first dived into the sea after the whale and was promptly swallowed.
This was not just any whale, but the greatest of all whales, and his name was Monumentus Fishus, but everyone just called him Monstro. Reuinted with his girlfriend, Jonah concocted a plan. First, he waited until Monstro ate lunch. He threw the cat farther down the whale's belly, and his father, delusional since the untimely death of his mother, swam down after it. Alone now with his girlfriend, Jonah built a raft out of bits of driftwood. While they waited for Monstro to eat again, Jonah's girlfriend demanded they get married. Jonah started thinking that being a wooden boy wouldn't have been so bad, and just after he threw his girlfriend after his father, Jonah started a fire and caused Monstro to sneeze him out. He landed on the shores of Nineveh, and did as he had been told. He told the people of their imminent doom, but not before stopping in at his favorite brothel for a quickie.
God, one day, found himself deep in despair. He had been pre-occupied the past several times he played poker with Lucifer, and as a result, he had been suffering terrible losses. First was the Assyrian fiasco, then the Babylonian one, and after the Persians invaded, God realized he had only one choice: challenge Lucifer to a one-on-one match, and may the best deity win.
Lucifer, in no way stupid, planned to take advantage of his turn at dealing. He too was getting bored with the all-too-typical poker games, and he relished at the opportunity to let God really have it. While God went out for pizza, he carefully arranged the cards according to plan.
God came back. They ate some pizza, drank their beers, and finally Lucifer suggested they get the game started.
"Okay, what rules?"
"Five card stud, nothing wild. One shot. Winner takes all."
God pondered over this, and finally nodded. Normally, he would never have agreed to such terms, but the beer was getting to him. He had to pee something awful and he just wanted the game over with. Lucifer dealt the cards, and God was overjoyed to find that he had been dealt a straight flush, king high. Knowing there was no way Lucifer could beat him this time, God bet 400 years of Hebrew history.
"I call," Lucifer said, and laid down his royal flush. "Read 'em and weep."
All God could do was sit there and stare. Finally, he clicked his tongue, shrugged his shoulder, and said, "oops".
God spoke through the mouth of his prophet Malachi. He didn't bother with the truth. They didn't need to know about it. He made a few promises about a promised savior, and then whispered his last words into a baffled Malachi's ear. Then he went off for a period of treatment for his obvious gambling addiction.
Malachi spoke to the gathered tribes. "Well, that's a wrap boys. I guess we'll just have to hold out for a bloody spectacular sequel."