Jesus went out into the desert, mainly because he lived in Palestine and there wasn't much but desert to go out into. While he was there, he met a serpent, which was none other than Lucifer in disguise. Again.
It may seem peculiar that Lucifer wouldn't pick a more evil animal than the serpent to inhabit. I mean, a wildebeest or a scorpion, or even a rabid goat, would have been so much more effective, but nope, Lucifer picked the serpent, maybe just because he felt so sorry for his old opponent that he didn't want to take too much of an advantage.
So Jesus met the serpent, and the serpent tempted him. "I can give you power. Millions of followers who are willing to sacrifice anything, even their lives, just to own a thread of your clothes."
"Nah. Wouldn't want that. People deserve the right to freely elect their leaders."
"I can give glory. I can enshrine you as the God of the planet, and have all the world pay you homage."
"Nah. People deserve the right to worship the deity of their choice. Besides, it is the goodness of their lives that matters, not the ritual they practise."
Frustrated by Jesus' democratic leanings, Lucifer made one final offer. "I can give you the most beautiful woman and you can spend all eternity making love."
Jesus shuddered slightly. "Nah. Not interested." And he walked away.
Jesus wandered around aimlessly for a while, not having any direction. Eventually, he got lonely, so he decided to head down to Jerusalem and see if he could hook up with any of the cool people he used to go to school with.
Upon arriving in the Holy City, Jesus walked down into the Village and found this cute little bistro. While sipping at his cappuccino, he saw a group of three men, and he called them over.
"Hey, I'm Jesus, the Son of God. I was wondering if you'd care to join me for a drink."
"Sure," the man called Peter said.
They sat down at the table and the four of them were soon joined by Peter's other friends. Jesus made them a proposition. "You twelve seem like a nice bunch. Listen, I've got this little plan to bring salvation to the whole world and I was wondering if you'd care to give me a hand."
"We'd have to give up our working out, wouldn't we?"
"The strength of your spirit is what is important, not that of the body."
"And our clubbing?"
"Yes."
"And our Judy Garland movie marathons?"
"Yes. Well, except maybe on the occasional Friday night."
"In that case, sure. We didn't have anything else to do anyway."
"Truly you are a rock, Peter. Quite the leader."
"I've always been the political activist type."
"It is a skill which will serve you well." Jesus turned to face the brothers, Harold and Richard. "Harry, Dick, you two will be my right and left hands. You will prove essential in the formation of my Church." Then Jesus addressed the rest of his gathered apostles. "James, you are a good man. Bartholomew, you have always been a fashionable dresser. Nathaniel, your interior designing has been matched by none. Judas, well, you've got a good head for figures and can keep charge of our money. Plus, I've got a bit of an additional job for you but we'll talk about that later. John, George, Paul, Ringo, you will all serve me well. As will you, William."
With all their names now established through a scene not too contrived, we can skip ahead to the good parts of the story when Jesus actually starts doing stuff.