Jesus was, by adoption, of the line of David, who was of the line of Abraham, who was a direct descendant of Noah, and like those three great patriarchs of the Jewish people, Jesus grew up to be a precocious little boy. He asked a lot of questions, such as "why is the sky blue" and "why is the grass green" and "why don't gooseberry bushes grow in Israel". Mary and Joseph found themselves strained to provide their son with all the answers he sought, so they did what any parent would do: they shipped him off to Jerusalem so that he could ask his questions of the learned men there in the capital.
Jesus became quite enamoured with Jerusalem during his stay in Jerusalem, which was quite unfortunate since he would spend most of his adult life predicting its destruction. Even though he was quite fond of the city, he wasn't entirely infatuated with the Romans, and he found the Jews to be a bit snobbish, not to mention stupid. Small wonder then that so much of what he did would influence neither Roman nor Jew but, instead, all the other myriad of peoples found in Judaea, all collectively referred to as the Gentiles.
One day while in Jerusalem, Jesus went to the temple and found a group of Pharisees, the priests, and Saducees, the choirboys. Being only twelve and therefore not well-informed about proper temple etiquette, Jesus went up to them and proceeded to ask them the questions that burned in his soul.
"If a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound?"
"Of course it does," one Pharisee said, "for God is everywhere and so he would hear it."
"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"
"It says in the Scriptures," a second Pharisee answered, "that God created all the birds and animals, but says nothing about eggs. Obviously therefore, the chicken came first."
They had an answer for everything! The sky was blue because God liked that colour. The grass was green because God's favourite jewel was the emerald and he painted the grass to match its hue. Because of Adam and the apple, Israel was being punished by never being allowed to inhale the sweet fragrance of the gooseberry growing wild in the Palestinian hills. It all came back to God, which Jesus knew wasn't a bad thing. His mother kept telling him that he was the Son of God, and so it was a bit of an ego boost to learn that even the wisest of the wise knew he was the centre of the universe. Just to be sure though, Jesus decided to ask one more question.
"What would you say if I told you that I was the Messiah?"
The Pharisees just sat there stupefied, unable to comprehend how a twelve-year-old could be so incredibly blasphemous. Eventually, they gathered enough of their wits together to tell the smart-mouthed lad to hit the road, and then they sat back and had a coffee, and discussed the recently proposed capital punishment bill.
Joseph was a carpenter, as has been said, and so Jesus spent the next thirty years learning to be a carpenter. It may seem strange that someone who learned the answers to the fundamental questions about life and the universe at such a young age had so much trouble learning how to hit the nail on the head, but the explanation for this is simple. Jesus, even at an early age, had an irrational fear of the sound of a hammer hitting a nail, which made carpentry a rather difficult skill to manage. It wasn't until Jesus learned the trick of stuffing his ears with cotton that he was truly able to excel in his stepfather's trade.
One day, while Jesus was out in the yard working on a particularly plain table, Joseph came out to talk to him.
"Jesus," he said. "We need to talk."
Jesus went right on working.
"My son? Oh." He tapped Jesus on the shoulder and mimed removing cotton from his ear. Jesus complied, and father and son sat down to have a nice little chat.
"Jesus my boy, you are now thirty years old. And it's not that your mother and I mind having you around the house, but don't you find it a pit peculiar that you've never gotten married, never even dated? We're getting on in years and we'd like to see some grandchildren one of these years."
"What are you saying Dad?"
"Well, I don't quite know how to put this. I mean, you know that Greek boy you used to play with? The one whose sandals always matched his toga? You didn't pick up any queer habits from him did you?"
"I'm not quite sure I'm following."
Joseph sighed. "Okay, never mind. You're our son and we love you no matter what. But how about you go visit this man your mother heard of? His name's John, and he's your mother's cousin's goat's former owner's son, and so we thought you might go down the Jordan and pay him a visit."
"Sure Dad, if it'll make you and Mom happy."
And with that, Jesus left home, and went down the Jordan to where the man John was standing in the river. A huge crowd of people was gathered on the banks and one by one, they stepped into the water where John dunked them in. Jesus joined the crowd and soon it was his turn. He stepped down into the river and met with John.
"Hello," he greeted.
"I cannot immerse you," John said.
"Why not? You did all these other people."
"Yes, but you've smelled Israelites before, I’m sure. And you don't smell like an Israelite."
"Well, I am the Son of God."
"Oh. That might explain that divine aroma."
"What? Oh, the smell. No, that's just the latest scent from Calvin Klein, CK-JC. Quite catchy, isn't it? Just the faintest hint of gooseberry."
"Quite. Anyway, so there's no point in you getting wet."
"So you do this just to keep the people clean? I mean, not for any religious reason whatsoever?"
"Yup. Just for hygiene. Sure, they all get dirty again anyway, but the river's not going anywhere, and I don't really have any useful skills. I tried working in a kitchen once, but I broke out in a rash every time I had to wash a silver platter, so I gave that up."
"Oh."
The two men stood there in the river, and a bright light suddenly filled the sky. Out of that light flew a dove, which hovered around Jesus' head, happy that it finally had the right spot in space-time.
"This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased."
That night, after feasting on roasted dove, Jesus and John parted ways.