2
Martyr
"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care."
-The Offspring

The first thing I noticed the morning after the kiss was the warmth of the sunlight on my face. I stirred, and sprawled out over my bed, which was empty. That brought me into full alertness and I sat upright. My headache was even worse, and began to twitch and throb when I noticed the empty couch.

Groaning, I got out of bed and, pulling my jeans on over my boxers, I went upstairs. Ryan and Jenn were sitting at the kitchen table, silent. My mom was making breakfast. My brother and sister came running into the room, yelling at each other.

"He stole my chair!"

"I was there first!"

"Were not!"

"Was too!"

"Shut the fuck up!" I hollered. My own voice, hoarse and grating, hurt my ears more than their shouting.

"Kevin! Watch your mouth."

I grumbled and sat down. Ryan and Jenn were both looking at me. I groaned again, and buried my face in my hands.

"A wee bit hungover Kev?" Ryan grinned at me. Why was he so chipper? What had he and Jenn talked about? Huh. Maybe they hadn't been talking. Fine. If they wanted to play it that way, so could I.

"Yeah, a little." I smiled back.

My mom brought me a glass of water and two Tylenol. "Thanks." She said breakfast was almost ready.

Even drinking the water was almost enough to make me sick, so I passed on the bacon and eggs. Just the sight of Ryan and Jenn eating set my stomach to heaving. As they ate, we sat there and chatted, inane and idle blabber, last night seemingly forgotten. Part of me leapt at the thought that it was a dream, but the reality of the kiss in my mind left me with no doubt.

The image would not go away. My best friend and the man I now realised I loved, locked in a passionate embrace. That kiss. That... betrayal. The more I dwelled on that act, the more anger I felt rising in me. The angrier I got, the wider I smiled, the more I talked, the louder I laughed. However, I could see the sneer in my own smile, hear the rambling incoherence in my speech, hear the tremble in my laugh that threatened to break into tears, and I knew Ryan and Jenn could notice them too.

After breakfast, Ryan got up to go. "You don't have to leave so soon," I told him.

"Yeah I do. My mom needs the car this afternoon."

"Oh... well, I'll call you later, okay?"

"Yeah. Kay." Ryan, Jenn, and I moved to the porch, and Ryan put his shoes on. "Oh. My coat is downstairs."

"I'll go get it." I offered before thinking. I turned, bounced down the hall and down the stairs, feeling a perverse pride that I was so able to pull off such a happy mood. Then I realised that by eagerly fetching Ryan's coat, I left Ryan and Jenn alone. I practically broke my neck racing downstairs and snagging the coat before tearing back up.

I stumbled to a halt halfway up. What if they were talking (or kissing?)> If I went barging in, yes, I'd interrupt, but I wouldn't know what it was I interrupted. I moved slowly. I heard whispering, the hushed plotting of conspirators.

"I'll call you."

"No. Not just yet."

"I will call you." His voice was more insistent. What would Ryan do if I said Jenn couldn't date him?"

"Here it is," I chirped. Jenn looked so guilty, Ryan so cold. I felt like I was on a cliff overlooking a great chasm, and my stomach heaved.

"Thanks." His tone was so distant and bereft of emotion already. How could I say no?

"No problem," I grinned.

Ryan put his coat on. "Well bye, it was fun." His unspoken 'har' hung in the air. He stepped outside. "I'll call you later."

As he left the yard, I wondered to whom his last comment had been meant. I watched him drive off, then turned around. Jenn and I were alone, and the silent tension hovered between us.

"Well..." I didn't know what to say.

"Yes?"

"Let's go downstairs. And chat." My words, even to me, sounded unduly venomous, ominous, even perhaps slightly coloured with melodrama.

We went back to my room and I flinched when my eyes fell on the place where they stood kissing. My resolve began to waver. After all, Ryan was gone, and he was the one I had to impress with my strength. Jenn, like always, could witness my weakness. I started to cry.

"How did it happen, Jenn? Why?"

Jenn sighed and sat down. "I’m sorry. I didn't mean to."

"But you never said you were attracted to him."

"You never asked."

"But you knew how I felt."

"No I didn't. You said it was over."

"It was! Well, at least I thought it was. I don't know. Seeing you... seeing the kiss hurt so much... I obviously still love him."

"Love?"

Was it love? Or just infatuation? I couldn't be wrong on this one. I had to be clear. I searched my soul, as much as I could in a few brief seconds. "Yes. Love. I can't explain it. I didn't even realise I felt so much for him."

"I'm sorry Kevin. It just... happened. I know that's no excuse, but he started kissing my neck and there were all these sirens and bells going off in my mind, but I couldn't stop it. And I felt so bad after." She kept talking, but her words dissolved in the air.

He started kissing her neck. Why did they keep telling me details? I didn't want to know. The more I knew, the more real the kiss became. I couldn't escape its pristine afterimage that lingered on my retinas. And yet, the more real the kiss became, the easier it was to replace Jenn with me and to feel Ryan's lips on my neck, which was an euphoric sensation, tempered by the pain of knowing that it was Jenn who was kissed and not me. And so an odd equilibrium was established, between heartbreaking, gut-wrenching pain, and sick voyeuristic thrill.

"Kevin? You okay?"

"Huh?" God, my head hurt. "Oh yeah, I'm fine."

"So what does this mean?"

"Mean for what?"

"For us. For the future."

Future? I didn't know if I could get through that day, much less a future of days. "I don't know."

"What about..."

"Yes?" Don't ask Jenn. Please don't ask. "What?"

"It's up to you, you know. I won't date him if you tell me not to."

I sat there. Physical sensations were already common: the nausea weighing heavily on my stomach, the ache in my temples, that peculiar sting in my eyes from unfallen tears. Emotionally, there was an odd emptiness now. A deadness perhaps. Maybe because of the huge surge of emotions I experienced last night, I'd cauterised those connections. Now, I could act and speak without thought or feeling interfering.

"Kev?"

"I'm fine, but how can I make such a decision? You two are my best friends. The two people I love more than anyone else. If there is a chance you two can be happy, how could I stand in the way?"

That was the thought that accompanied me all through the next couple days. Other thoughts came and went, but that was the truth I kept acknowledging. How could I justify preventing their chance at love? After all, Ryan was just not gay and nothing was ever going to develop between us, and if I loved him as much as I said I did, shouldn't his wishes and wants and desires supersede my own?

The more I asked myself that question, the more I realised that I not only craved the power to control their lives, I also knew I needed to stand in their way. That realisation sickened me. How could I do that to someone I supposedly loved? It wasn't my decision. It didn't (shouldn't) involve me. All that was true. None of it mattered.

So began my debate. What answer did I give? What answer was best for everyone involved? I talked to Ryan on the phone, and he insisted it was not my decision. He wanted to date Jenn. I was right, Ryan said, in thinking I wasn't involved. However, he also admitted that if Jenn wanted me to decide, she was involving me. The conversation ended with him angry at me, at Jenn, at life, and with me wallowing in my doubt and indecision. What did I do?

That Monday at school, Ryan and I sat down at lunch to decide what decisions I could make. I was tired, running on so little sleep, and the tension between Ryan and I tasted foul on my tongue.

"Well, I could say yes, go for it, have my blessing. That's the first option."

"But would you mean it?"

"Well, no, but does that matter?"

"Not to me. But it does to Jenn."

"True. So me saying yes and meaning it is impossible. What's next?"

"Saying yes and not meaning it?" His tone was cynical, hopeful.

"Har." I turned his own word back on him.

"Well, you can't say no."

"Oh?"

"You can't say no."

The resolve so visible in the set of his face, in the directness of his tone, convinced me. "You're right. I can't say no. What does that leave?"

"How about not making any decision? After all, you're not involved."

I just looked at him coolly. That could never happen. If I made no decision, then Jenn would assume that meant 'no'. We'd all lose. As I reflected on the results of that (Ryan hating me, Jenn resenting me), inspiration came.

"What about a conditional yes?"

Ryan's smile at a 'yes' was hesitant. "What conditions?"

"If I decide to let you two go out..." Ryan cut me off.

"If you decide to let us go out." His tone betrayed no amusement.

Frustrated, I snapped back. "Look Ryan, let's not delude ourselves. Whether or not you like it, it's up to me. You want to date her and she wants to date you, but if I tell her not to, it won't happen."

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"What?"

"Kevin, telling Jenn not to date me won't make me gay."

"Duh." Was that what I was hoping? Did some secret part of me think that Ryan's feelings for Jenn were his last attempt at denying his own homosexuality? The idea was preposterous, but appealing. I could not honestly deny that I wasn't thinking exactly that.

"So what conditions?"

"If you and Jenn date, and I decide I can't handle it, I can tell her to stop."

"No! You can't let us start and then change your mind. It has to be clear now."

"Why?"

"What if we fell in love? What if it works, goddammitt? You can't do that." He paused. "Besides, what makes you think that Jenn would stop after it started?"

His words were like daggers. He was right. If she fell in love with him, then would her loyalty to me be enough for her to stop it? Loyalty... What of her loyalty? She betrayed me by kissing him at all. What would one more betrayal be?

Ryan grunted in disgust. "Make whatever decision you want. It doesn't matter. We can always do it behind your back."

"Jenn wouldn't do that." Would she? How could I know? Wasn't it better to make it official? I'd maintain control. I could play the self-sacrificing martyr, and they'd both know that whatever happiness they managed to attain was owed to me.

"So? What is it?"

"I don't know." I really didn't. Having the power to decide was attractive, no doubt, but in my hands, the fates of three people awaited my decision. I couldn't usually keep my own life under control. Now, there were three of us, and I was the one in charge.

"Well, when will you? I won't wait forever to call her again."

What? "Again? When did you the first time?"

"It's none of your business."

"Ryan..." My voice was pleading. "Please?"

"Last night. We talked for about ten minutes. Mostly about how it wasn't your decision."

"She said that?"

"She agreed when I did."

"Oh."

"So?"

"I don't know, but believe me, you'll be the first one I tell."

"Fine." Ryan got up and started to walk away. "I'll see you in class."

I sat there alone. I couldn't think, at least not clearly. Ryan and Jenn had talked, and I had no idea exactly what was said. Right there, I decided that no matter what I decided, I needed to know exactly what went on between them: every kiss, every touch, but more importantly, every longing-filled glance or loving caress. I was afraid of them falling in love more than anything. So what if Ryan had to go to Jenn for sexual satisfaction that I could never provide? It was his heart I wanted; his body would follow.

That's when I realised that by Ryan dating Jenn, he would be bound to my life in a way I might not be able to achieve otherwise. Besides, if I said no, which wasn't viable no matter how desirable, Ryan would hat me, and our friendship would never evolve into anything.

When I got home from school, my mom told me Jenn had called. I knew I should call her back, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Not until I knew what my answer was. Did they date, or not? I had to know.

I couldn't say no. I couldn't say yes. Indecision wasn't an option. That left a conditional yes, and Ryan didn't like that idea. Of course, it could be confidentially conditional. Who said Ryan had to know? No, that wasn't feasible. Even with something like that, I couldn't keep a secret from him, and I couldn't trust Jenn enough to keep that secret either.

"Kevin! Jenn's on the phone for you."

Oh God. Well, here goes nothing. I had to answer her. Today. This needed resolution. "Hello, how are you?"

"I'm good. You?"

How did I even begin to answer her? "Fine." I paused. "So what's new?"

"Nothing."

"I've been doing some thinking."

"Oh?"

"About things."

"And?"

"Jenn, I just don't know what to do. You know me. You know how my mind works. I never know what I feel."

"Kevin, you have to make a decision for me. I won't do anything you can't handle."

"Look, it's not my choice."

"Don't even start. You know it is."

"Fine." I made my decision. "You know me right?"

"Probably better than anyone."

"Well then fine. I'm deciding not to decide. You know me well enough to know how I'll react. You decide."

"No. You can't do that."

"I can and I did. That's the only decision you're getting."

"Twit."

"Am not."

"If you don't tell me not to..."

"What?"

"I won't say no if you don't first."

What? She was supposed to understand. She was supposed to turn Ryan down. "That's your choice." Well actually, it was mine, though it seemed I'd blown it.

"He's calling me tonight too."

"Oh." Ouch. "Oh yeah! That reminds me, you have to make me a promise."

"What?"

"To tell me everything."

"What do you mean by 'everything'?"

"When you talk. When you date. What you do. Everything."

"No."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because."

"It seems awfully masochistic."

"Maybe, but believe me, the truth will hurt else than my imagination."

"Kay fine."

"Well, I have to go. I'll talk to you later."

"Kay, bye."

I hung up and called Ryan. "I did it."

"Oh?"

"I said she could." It was a bit of a lie, but only in theory. Besides, he'd be happy with me."

"Good. I'm going to call her right now."

"Don't."

"Why not?"

Couldn't he figure that out for himself? "Because I don't want to change my mind, and if it seems that she is becoming more important than our friendship, I'll regret my decision."

"Whatever. If I'm dating her, I'll be spending as much time with her as I can."

"Yeah, well, I'll know every detail."

"I won't be telling you."

"Jenn promised to."

"Why would you want to know?"

Because I love you and want to live vicariously through Jenn, I thought. All I said was that it seemed necessary.

"Whatever."

Why couldn't he understand? "Look, since it's so important to you, I'll let you call her now."

"Why thank you Almighty One."

"Whoa! I didn't mean it like that."

"Sure you didn't. Anyway, bye. See you in school tomorrow."

"Bye."

I called Jenn later. Her and Ryan were going out on Saturday. It seemed so soon. I thought I'd have more time to get used to the idea. Already, I was regretting not saying I couldn't handle it, and I knew it would be impossible for me to do so. I could tell by the sense of unease that lingered in my gut.

But the next day in school, Ryan was so happy and friendly. He even said he'd come out the next Friday to get drunk. He never suggested doing anything! Maybe going out with Jenn would draw him closer to me.

Jenn, too, was friendlier. The tension toward me was gone. By leaving her the decision, I had steadied our unstable friendship. So what if she had made the wrong choice? I knew that deep within me lay the strength to overcome anything, if it meant so much to the people who meant everything to me. As long as they were happy, I could withstand any pain.

CONTINUE