3
Burden
"Though it's cold and lonely in the deep, dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light."
-Meatloaf

Ryan came out to drink that Friday. The past week in school, our relationship had changed. Yes, there was a great tension than ever, a latent anger, yet there was a sense of durability and strength lurking beneath the surface. NO matter what happened, it seemed, our friendship would endure. As long as he was dating Jenn, that is.

So the state of affairs between Ryan and I was predominantly positive. Of course, there were still those hostile undercurrents. It was Ryan I was blaming for the kiss and its aftermath. This was for a few reasons. First, blaming Ryan decreased the pressure on Jenn and I, and Jenn was the better friend. Second, how could I blame Jenn for falling under the same spell that Ryan cast on me? Third, Ryan was supposed to be gay.

That was the crux of the whole dilemma. I couldn't believe Ryan was straight. It seemed wrong and unnatural. I simply loved him so much that no matter how often I reminded myself he was straight, my heart rejected the notion.

Because I blamed Ryan, and because he became more antagonistic the more he drank, I was hitting him a lot. The more I hit him, the greater the thrill at physical contact, so I baited him in to making nasty comments, so I'd have an excuse to touch him. It was, on the surface, an upward spiral; the more I touched him, the happier I got.

"Twit." I hit Ryan, and his hair fell across his face. I longer to brush that hair away.

"Oh, you're just jealous."

"Of what?"

"I have a date with Jenn. Har."

"Don't push your luck. I can still change her mind."

That sobered him up. "Don't you dare. If it won't work, it has to do it naturally. You can't interfere."

"Do you think it won't work?" That was a source of great hope. If Jenn and Ryan's relationship idea of its own accord, then I'd be spared the pain of them dating without having to do the breaking up.

"I can't say just yet."

"I guess."

"It's just physical so far. We don't know each other yet." He looked at me and smirked. "I guess that will change tomorrow night."

Ouch. But true. If things worked out well on the first date, what chance would I have in preventing a second? It was, again, the same situation as last weekend, I noticed. The music and low lights and alcohol. God, Ryan was beautiful. The cheekbones. The soft hands and long fingers and perfectly shaped nails. Those eyes, which seemed more gold than brown.

"Maybe I am gay."

Those lips. The dark stubble on his chin. The... "What?"

"Nothing."

"No. What did you say?"

"Maybe I am gay."

"That's what I thought you said." Oh God, please.

"Don't get all excited."

"Who me? Never." YES YES PLEASE!

"I'm not gay. I know now."

"Now? Didn't you know before?"

Ryan frowned at me. "You're just getting me too drunk to think."

"Duh." I smiled. "It was your idea though."

"True."

"So when were you gay?"

"I wasn't, but I thought I was."

"When?"

"What does it matter?"

"It doesn't. I'm just curious."

"Grade nine. I had a crush on a guy, I thought, but I was wrong."

"Who?"

"No one."

"Must've been someone."

"S'not important. It's over."

"How do you know?"

"Cuz I decided I was straight."

"It's not a decision. This sounds like denial."

"Maybe it is, but it doesn't matter. I'm not gay."

The phone picked that inconvenient time to ring. It was Jenn. Even not here, she could interfere. She was at work and they needed me to come in since it was busy. There was no chance in hell, not now that I was finally making headway with Ryan. But when I hung up, the moment was passed, and try as I might, I couldn't recreate it. By 11, we were out of alcohol, and by 1, Ryan was sober enough to drive home. He needed a good night's sleep, he said, since he had such a big night tomorrow. I slept soundly until my mom called me to the phone at noon.

It was the manager of the theatre. "Can you come in? Travis called in sick."

What else did I have to do? I hated matinees, but maybe working would keep my mind off what was to happen that night. "Sure, I'll come in."

I quickly showered and ate and dressed and went to work. By the time I got there, I was convinced that working was exactly what I needed to do. Then I walked through the door and saw her. Yes, Jenn was working the matinee too.

"Hello." She greeted me so cheerfully. Well, why wouldn't she be ecstatic? She was the one with the hot date. I walked by, ignoring her.

I should have known she wouldn't let me get away with that. "Kevin, what's your problem?"

There was no point in obscuring the truth. "I'm a bit uptight about... you know, tonight."

"You'll be fine Kev. It will be okay."

"Sure. I'm sorry."

After that initial conversation, the air was cleared, and we worked together fine as always. I smiled and joked, and tried, successfully, to hide the pain welling up inside me. As the last show let out, Jenn and I started cleaning the empty theatre; it was an unpleasant task that had to be done thoroughly and fast, so that everything was spotless for the evening's shows.

I tripped and knocked over the garbage can just as we were finishing the first theatre. "Shit."

"Christ Kevin. I have to get home soon." I knew her reasons but asked for them anyway. "To get ready of course."

Ouch. "Well then..." I walked across the aisle and deliberately kicked over the other trashcan. "There. Neither of us can leave until it's cleaned."

Jenn was frustrated and angry, which was understandable. We cleaned up in a sullen silence. I took my time, thinking about anything but Ryan and Jenn. When we finally finished, it was almost five, nearly an hour later than it should have been.

Jenn grabbed her jacket and signed out. As she left, I said, "have a good time." It was my way of apologising, and she knew it as such.

I walked home slowly. My mind was on last night, on what Ryan said. Could he be gay? It was possible. Denial was a mighty significant thing to overcome. If he was gay, what should I do? There were two options: push him into admitting it or wait for him to realise it by himself.

What was I thinking? Ryan wasn't gay. I knew that, he knew that, and Jenn obviously knew that. If only I could know with the surety Jenn did. If I could feel his lips on mine and still not feel the total completeness I knew must accompany true love, then I would know, without a doubt, that Ryan was straight. If he could kiss me like he kissed her (those burning lips on fiery skin) but without that potent magic that set her blood ablaze with lust, then I, in black despair, could accept that our love is not divinely-inspired, and then set him free to find his fate.

With those thoughts to occupy my mind, I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into myself. It was discomforting, this sense of loss, like the portion of me which was the most real was trapped in the catacombs of self-induced agony. I could not allow it to continue. Jenn, at home, was beautifying herself for Ryan. They were going to a movie, to sit there and hold hands or kiss or...

I stopped my rambling thoughts. I could not do this to myself. I knew that if I spent the night alone, the tangled self-destructive thoughts would return to plague me. I had to prevent that. I had to find something to do to keep my mind off Ryan and Jenn.

I called Christy, a friend from work. "Hey, what are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing much. Why?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie."

"Which one?"

"I dunno. We can go find out though. I don't want to see anything out here, so maybe we can go into the Park." That was where Ryan and I went to school, about twenty minutes away.

"Yeah okay. I'll come pick you up."

"Great."

It was a relief. I would be freed from the constant drone of Ryan-and-Jenn thoughts raging wild in my mind. Even if only for the brief two-hour respite of a movie, I would be free.

Christy came over and picked me up, and we spoke of silly things as we drove to the theatre. I rambled, and I noticed my rambling, and I dismissed it as too much sugar. We decided to go see Star Trek 7, and had an hour or so to kill, so we went for donuts.

We were sitting there, idly chatting. I went to the bathroom, and as I was coming back, I looked out the window. My mouth dropped open, eyes bulged, and my elation screeched to a halt. Jenn and Ryan were there.

They came in, and laughing, joined us. "What are you two doing here?" Jenn asked.

"We came to see a movie." I could only nod in agreement with Christy.

"Just a coincidence hey?" Ryan's tone indicated his doubt. I gave him a sour look.

"How could he have known?"

Thanks Jenn, I thought, but I can defend myself.

"Yeah, I s'pose. So what are you guys doing?"

"Going to see Star Trek."

It was a good thing Christy was talking. My mouth was dry, and my nose tickled with tears that I couldn't let fall. Knowing they were going out was one thing; actually seeing them together, walking into a donut shop hand-in-hand, that was something else entirely.

"What are you two going to see?"

"You two. Ouch. That hurt."

"Interview With The Vampire."

That seemed safe enough. A vampire flick couldn't be all that romantic. Of course, if it was scary, she might grab onto him. The thought of them touching, it burned inside me. The sight of them together there, eating their donuts, smiling, linked with the afterimage of the kiss.

"Well I suppose we should be going. The movie will be starting soon."

"See you," Christy said. I only grunted.

After Ryan and Jenn left, Christy and I finished our donuts. That light air of joviality was gone. We sat in silence. Christy knew I was gay and she knew, basically, what was going on with Ryan. We left the donut shop and drove in that same glum silence to the theatre.

While we were waiting for popcorn, Jenn emerged from one of the theatres. The smile she was wearing fell when she locked eyes with me. I don't know what she saw in my face, but it couldn't have been positive. There was no positive emotion anywhere within me.

The movie sucked. Oh, Christy loved it, and I'm sure I would have too, if it hadn't been for the acutely painful awareness that Jenn and Ryan were together in the next theatre. I went to the bathroom once during the show, and when I saw the closed door to their theatre, I stood there rooted in place, glaring at the poster of the movie on the door. It was only when an usher asked me if I was okay or needed something that I went back to suffer through the last part of the movie. When our theatre emptied, I noted Jenn and Ryan were already gone.

I talked a little on the way home, since I could tell Christy was irritated that I was being so grumpy. I thanked her for driving, and apologised for my foul mood. At home, I sat in the darkness of my room, wondering what Jenn and Ryan were doing. With such black thoughts, I eventually fell asleep.

I didn't sleep well. I knew I had to be up early since I was working the Sunday matinee. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and I turned, and I'd wake often, seeing Jenn and Ryan amidst that red blur you see when you first close your eyes. When I finally gave up trying to sleep, I got up and got ready for work.

Jenn's house was on my way to the theatre. Though I didn't really want to know what happened between her and Ryan, my imagination was conjuring up things that had to be worse than the reality. The true events could only come as a relief.

Jenn was still sleeping (big surprise if she'd been out so late), but I woke her up. Groggy, she handed me her diary, which she'd written in as soon as she got home. Taking a deep breath, I began to read.

Ryan had picked her up and their drive into the city was awkward. That was good. Jenn's description of the run-in at Tim Horton's was comical; I insisted it was nothing but a coincidence. That first page or so of the entry was painless, then I turned the page.

They were watching the movie and Jenn was wondering if she should put her hand where he could hold it. Ryan put his arm around her. As they watched the movie, which I learned to be incredibly erotic, they'd kiss every now and then. By the end of the movie, they were totally making out, and Jenn's blouse was undone.

"Are you sure you want to read this?" Jenn was following along over my shoulder. I just grunted my assent.

They had gone for a drive afterwards, and Ryan parked somewhere so they could talk. They climbed into the backseat. More making out. Ryan couldn't get Jenn's bra off, and she had to help him. She wouldn't let him take her pants off, but he was pumping into her. If it hadn't been for two layers of denim, they'd have been having sex. He undid her pants. Tried oral but didn't like it. He slipped his fingers...

I stopped reading, shuddering. I couldn't go on, but I had to. His endearing if inept fumbling. Her elation at sexual contact. All their kissing. Then a much less awkward drive home, and a long kiss goodnight, and a date set for the next Friday.

I shut the diary. Jenn asked if I was okay. I didn't answer. I got up to go, and she moved swiftly if unsteadily from her room. She followed, speechless. I put on my shoes and coat, and left. I had to get to work anyway.

I could feel Jenn watching me walk away, but I couldn't bring myself to look back. The hate that had to be showing in my eyes would have ruined everything.

CONTINUE