Dark Trinity: Chapter 1:
Betrayal

"You're the reason I live, you're the reason I die
You're the reason I give when I break down and cry"
-Aerosmith

Maybe it was just the alcohol. I mean, I was pretty drunk by eleven. When Ryan and I got drunk, we took it very seriously. After a few rum and cokes, especially as strong as we made them, anything would be plausible.

Of course, since I was 17, it could have been hormones. Late adolescence, a virgin, and pissed out of my skull, I could've just been incredibly horny.

Whatever the reason, by eleven, Ryan was starting to look unusually gorgeous. Even when I was in puppy-love with him back in May, I could admit that Ryan's not exactly the most beautiful man in the world. But that night, with a cloudless and star-filled sky stretching into infinity above a snow-covered world, and with the dim light in my bedroom, I looked at Ryan with drunkenly-blurring eyes and I was awestruck.

His skin was taking on a bronzish tinge, either due to the rum light or the rum in my system. He had long (shoulder-length) dark brown hair that seemed so rich and silken, and his bangs kept falling over his deep brown eyes. Every now and then, he would tuck his hair behind his oh-so-cute ears.

"What are you staring at?" Ryan asked.

Startled, I stuttered a bit before replying. "Just admiring your beauty," I said.

He snorted. "Har." That was his word. So very... Ryan. I smiled as he said it.

"Another drink?"

Ryan looked at his half-full glass, then downed it. "Yeah." He belched.

I laughed, and took his glass from him. His soft fingers brushed mine, and I relished in the touch. It was definitely the alcohol.

As I made us both another drink, his long fingers raised his cigarette to his mouth and took a drag. He did his typical drunken exhale, letting the smoke curl up from barely open lips.

His nose. That grounded me. In the center of a face seeming ever more perfect, it sat. This great big nose. I giggled. Yeah, the crush was over. That nose was so out of proportion, it just looked silly.

"What time is it?" I asked as I gave Ryan his drink. He sipped it, then told me it was almost half past eleven. "Jenn should be here soon."

He shrugged. He and Jenn barely knew each other. They’d met at my birthday, and a party in July, and that was it. Jenn was my best friend, and Ryan was a close second, but in spite of that (or perhaps because of it), I rarely did anything with either of them when the other was around.

See, with Jenn, I could totally be myself. She didn't care. We had no barriers between us. We knew the other's deepest secrets, those dark sides we couldn't reveal to anyone else. Ryan, on the other hand, was my buddy, going out, having fun. We didn't have hours-long discussions like I did with Jenn. But with the two of them combined, I had all I needed.

"Hello?" It was Jenn's voice, calling from upstairs.

"Hey, come on down."

Jenn bounced downstairs, her head shaking slightly at the sight of the almost empty 2-6 of Baccardi. "I see you started without me." She smiled.

"Well, since you don't drink, what does it matter?" I stuck out my tongue at her.

"She doesn't drink? Wuss."

"Yeah." I paused. "Why is it you don't drink again?"

"There's no way I'm getting drunk and losing control of my actions. I like to know what I'm doing... What are you doing Ryan?"

Ryan was patting his face with his hand. "I thought my nose disappeared, but don't worry. I found it."

"It'd be hard to miss," I said.

"Har."

"So what were you guys doing?"

"Drinking."

"Duh. What else?"

"Nothing," I said. "Wanna watch a movie?"

"I've seen everything you have."

"Nuh-uh. I just bought Sliver."

"What's that?"

"I dunno, but it has a Baldwin boy, so who cares?"

Jenn laughed. "True."

"Oh great," Ryan said. "A chick flick."

"No. It's s'posed to be really good."

"Kay fine. Let's watch it."

We relocated. Jenn and I lounged on my love seat while Ryan sprawled out on the foot of my waterbed. I sunk into the soft cushions and relaxed, thinking this was the ideal way to spend life. As we watched the movie, a highly intense thriller with delightfully erotic scenes, a comfortable lethargy settled upon us.

After the movie was done, I jumped to my feet. "Okay, let's liven up this party."

I turned the stereo on and stuck in one of many radio tapes, that is, blank tapes filled with the Top 40 stuff currently playing on the radio. Ryan got us another drink, and Jenn helped herself to a piece of cake. After all, it was her birthday cake, and Ryan and I had tried to hold off eating it.

"You okay Ry?" He was staggering slightly.

"Oh yeah. Me fine." He grinned dopishly. I smirked back.

"Oh you two." Jenn sighed, shaking her head.

"How tall are you Jenn?"

"What?" Jenn asked, and I too looked at Ryan oddly. That had come out of nowhere.

"Tall. How much so. You?"

"I dunno. 5'9"?"

"C'mere. I measure."

"Just humor him," I told her.

Jenn went over to Ryan and stood there. He stood behind her and wrapped one arm around her waist, placing his other hand on the top of her head. They were standing very closely together. Ryan stumbled backwards, tightening his grip on Jenn's waist. She stood firm, and they didn't fall, but as Ryan swung back in the other direction, his other arm wrapped around her waist. And they were standing even closer.

"Okay, I'm goin' to the bathroom." I didn't know if they heard me. I just left.

I stumbled swiftly up the stairs and down the hallway to the bathroom. There, I splashed cold water on my face. I looked at myself in the mirror, pallid skin now wet, half-closed and bloodshot eyes, my brown hair not nearly as coifed as it had been earlier. I looked, basically, like hell.

"I am way too drunk." I let out a low groan. "Kay whatever. Just stop drinking and sober up. The night is young." I smiled at myself in the mirror. "Yup, as you wish."

I braced myself on the walls as I walked down to my room. It was dark in the basement, save for the sliver of light that crept out of my bedroom. I was not feeling well, and almost fell into my room, where Ryan and Jenn were kissing. I changed tapes in the stereo.

Wait a minute. I turned around. Jenn was gone. "Where's Jenn?"

"Upstairs." Ryan's face was stone cold serious.

I went upstairs, seeing them kissing. What a lame joke, I thought. They both knew I was over Ryan. It wasn't funny, just stupid.

I walked into the living room. Jenn sat there on the couch, holding her knees to her chest. She was crying, and looking at me with tear-filled blue eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry." My heart barely dared to beat.

"You mean, it was real? The kiss?" The word stuck in my throat. My stomach clenched. She bit her lip and nodded.

Oh my god. I turned away. I wasn't breathing. My hands were suddenly sweaty and shaking. My eyes burned. I could see them kissing, and now in my mind's eye, I noticed how their lips frantically merged, how Ryan's hands lost themselves in her long hair. It was real.

I staggered downstairs, now not steady because of shock rather than alcohol. Ryan was sitting at the table in my room. His face was calm and sober, not grinning dopishly. I sat down across from him. Bile was rising halfway up my throat. It felt as if knives had been driven into my temples just behind my eyes. That was how I was physically. Emotionally, I felt... numb.

"Are you okay?" I heard Ryan but I lacked the energy to answer. I sat there, immobile, mute.

"Kevin?" It was Jenn. She came in and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry."

"How..." The word came out as a croak.

"What?"

"How did it happen?" My unusually quiet voice sounded so wounded to my ears.

"It doesn't matter."

"Ryan, tell me."

He was looking at me with such sympathy. His mouth was a thin line. His mouth that had just been ravishing Jenn's. I could see that kiss, again and again, blazing on my eyelids, scorched into my brain. He opened that mouth (that beautiful, violated mouth) as if to speak, then apparently changed his mind since he closed it again.

"Ryan..." My voice was whining, impatient.

"Why? What good will it do?"

Why was he making me talk? Why wouldn't he just tell me? "Please... I need to know."

"Fine. I was wobbling, and she kept me standing. Then I was standing there with my arms around her waist, and my chin resting on her head. I could smell her hair and I started to kiss her neck. Then I turned her around and... See? I told you it wasn't important."

I started shaking, like I was suddenly cold. Jenn laid her hand on my arm. I jerked away. I saw Ryan, and saw the kiss. I saw Jenn, and saw the kiss. I closed my eyes. I saw the kiss. No matter where I turned my eyes, all I could see was the kiss.

"Kevin! Talk, please!"

I looked at Jenn. Concern was written on her face in the sobriety of her expression and in the urgency of her eyes. "What is there to say?" My mind was racing, wild, incoherent, but my words were calm, collected, detached.

"How are you feeling?"

I could only shrug. There were too many feelings, and I couldn't put a name to the collective. Jenn sighed in exasperation at my indifference and Ryan just sat there unreadable.

"Are you upset? Hurt? Angry? What?"

"Why would I be angry?" A hundred reasons sprang to mind. "I mean, it was just a kiss." Ryan tensed and Jenn looked away. "Wasn't it?" They both sat in silence. "Jenn...?"

"I don't know."

I looked at Ryan. He slowly shook his head from side to side. I looked back at Jenn. On her face, I read some quick summation of all the emotions tearing me up inside. "Do you want it to be more?"

"No, I..." She dared to glance at Ryan from the corner of her eyes. "Yes."

Oh God. This couldn't be happening. I didn't even need to ask Ryan; his answer was written in the stone of his expression. A scream began to build somewhere deep within, near a heart that felt as if each thudding beat was a struggle. I opened my mouth, expecting outrage to pour out, but all that emerged was a squeak.

Tears are weakness, and at that moment, I felt so weak. I dropped my head into my arms and began to cry. My body trembled and shook. It was not a romantic cry, with me coughing on the bile, tears streaming, my nose running. It was the cry of a child, vulnerable, exposed, and frightened.

Jenn put her hand on my shoulder. I let it stay there. What could I do? I had lost all control. Jenn and Ryan were talking quietly. I couldn't make out the words. What new betrayal were they plotting? But how was that kiss a betrayal? Ryan was straight and my feelings for him were gone.

Weren't they?

I looked into myself. My mind was screaming out warnings. Look no further, it told me. Stop. Go back. Heedless, I dug deeper, and broke through layers of resistance I hadn't even known existed, and unearthed the truth. And before I let myself acknowledge it or edit it or rebury it, it came flooding out of my mouth.

"I love him. Oh God, I love him."

I looked up then. Jenn's face was even more grief-stricken, Ryan's even more unreadable. What did I say? Did I really say that? More importantly, was it true?

Every fibre of my body, now freed, screamed yes. It all made sense, repressing the feelings because of their futility, denying they still existed. I could recognise denial when I saw it.

"I'm just not gay."

I couldn't, wouldn't, absorb Ryan's words. If I felt this strongly, it had to have potential, didn't it? Could such a love exist just to remain unfulfilled?

"I'm just not, Kev. I'm sorry."

I looked at Ryan. Oh, he was so beautiful. "No. I'm sorry. I don't want to feel this way. Believe me. But I do, and that's why it hurt so much to see you... to see you two... Oh god. That's why it hurt so much." I was sobbing even more hysterically now and Jenn had her arms around me. "That's why it hurts to think that it's anything more than a kiss."

"Kev..."

I looked at Ryan, and I knew the answer even as I asked. "You want it to be, don't you?" Tears were falling so rapidly, and my breathing was calmer. Jenn pulled her arms away. Emotion began to wane, replaced by a drained feeling of utter fatigue.

"I want to try."

I wiped tears from my eyes, sniffed. My head hurt so much. "I need to sleep."

"Okay, I'll go home."

"Don't be stupid. You're too pissed. Just sleep on the couch." Ryan hesitated, then nodded.

Jenn stood up. "I'll go then." I stopped her.

"Please. Stay. I can't sleep alone."

She glanced at Ryan, then at me. She nodded. Jenn spent the night all the time. It wasn't a big deal, us sleeping together. Gay man, straight woman, there was no sexual tension. Ryan always spent the night too, but not in the same bed. If only he would, even just for one night. I needed to have him beside me.

With Ryan on the couch and Jenn still on the bed, I turned off the light. As I started to undress for bed, a thought occurred to me, and I chuckled. "Happy birthday Jenn." It was too. I had a gift to give her, but it didn't compare with the one Ryan already had. I laughed, short and broken, then I felt my eyes fill anew with tears. I sniffed them back and crawled into bed beside Jenn.

I turned to face her. In the quietest voice I could manage, I told her I loved her. She did the same. Ryan's regular breathing from across the room seemed to indicate that he was already asleep.

"Jenn..."

"Yes?"

"What about you? Do you want to try to?"

She exhaled. "I don't know. Maybe. But I won't do it if it will hurt you."

"It's not my decision."

"Yes Kevin it is. It's up to you."

I rolled on to my other side. Up to me. Good. At least I had a say in it. I lay there thinking of what my answer would be. Sleep was a long time coming.

CONTINUE