There came a time when man was evil, and God saw this evil, and it was not good. "I will destroy man!" God yelled.
"Ah excuse me," an angel whispered, "remember the rock?"
"Oh damn!" God swore. "Well, I'll destroy most of man. Now who should I save?"
"What about Noah?"
"That fawning bootlicker?"
"He's a decent man, righteous, you know, good."
"But he's such a prig! No fun at all, that one," God pouted. "Oh very well, I'll go talk to him."
God went to Noah, and said in his most friendly divine being voice, "Morning Noah."
"Well, hiddley-ho there your Supremest-ness!"
God shuddered. "Anyway, I'm going to destroy everyone on the planet except you, your family and two of every living creature okay?"
"Okily-dokily there neighborino."
"So build a big boat, a really big boat, and get everyone on it, and well, I'll go make it rain."
"Two of every living creature, you said hey?"
"Yep, one male, one female..." God paused. "Okay, we better get this on the record now. I said one male and one female just because of that pesky procreation thing okay? I'm no homophobe, and if I'd been thinking straight when I created you folks, I'd have made you all with uteruses... uteri?" God shrugged. "Anyway, I just want you people to get the picture. So long as you're fruitful and multiply, what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom is your own business." Noah was totally lost. God saw this and shrugged again, and there is nothing as baffling as a divine shrug. "I wasn't really speaking to you. My words were meant for the future. Yeah okay well, I've got clouds to fill. See ya."
It rained.
It rained.
It rained.
It rained.
It almost looked like the clouds were going to break, but no.
It rained.
Finally, it stopped raining, but there was still a lot of water just sitting there. Noah occupied himself with throwing birds overboard while his sons and their wives skinny-dipped alongside the ark, all with the best intentions of being fruitful of course. One day, after sending off a dove, Noah was standing on the deck in deep meditation when the sudden jar of impact jolted him out of his trance.
"Wife!" he hollered, then mumbled under his breath, "lousy women drivers." Noah then noticed that the ark had run aground.
God spoke to Noah, "Well I guess you'd like some reassurance that this will never happen again hey? Well and good. I promise, pinky swear, that I will never ever, ever never destroy the earth again by flooding it. A couple tsunamis, a devastating monsoon, but no earth-sinking floods. Of course, if you guys want to melt the polar icecaps and drown yourselves, that's not my problem."
God started to walk home, but only then noticed the rainbow in the sky. "Did I do that?" he asked. "Cool."