Jacob died. Joseph died. All the brothers died. Their children all died, and basically, a whole bunch of Israelites died, and a new Pharaoh ascended the great throne, because, of course, the Israelites were not the only ones who were mortal.
The numbers of the Israelites continued to grow though. Finally, Pharaoh had had enough, and ordered all baby boys of the Israelites to be killed. This came to pass, but one woman, a descendant of Levi and therefore extremely religious, hid her baby son in a basket, and wrapped him up in her 501's. This basket she placed in the river, and told her daughter (girl children were allowed to live because they were inferior enough to be below the Pharaoh's notice) to watch over it. A certain Egyptian princess was bathing in the Nile when this basket floated along beside her. Now she was ugly for an Egyptian, and so had no children of her own, and when this baby in a basket floated by, circumcised as he was, she took him out of the water, and named him Moses. As she did so, a dove flew by, looked down at Moses, and said aloud, "whoops, too early, be back in a while." The princess took this as a sign that the gods were in favor of her adoption of this Hebrew castaway, and she was very happy.
Moses grew, as little boys, Egyptian and Hebrew, have a tendency to do. Eventually, he became a strapping young man, and would often walk through the streets of the city and bask in the adoration of those around him. On one such occasion, he happened to witness an Egyptian beating a Hebrew. Moses grew angry with this, and killed the Egyptian. Now killing an Egyptian while living as a prince in the royal palace of Egypt is not an altogether bright thing to do, and Moses was able to see how the Pharaoh might look with disfavor upon his action. He therefore decided the prudent course of action was to take a vacation somewhere far from Egypt for an undetermined amount of time. So he ran.
And ran.
And ran.
And only stopped running when he ran right into a beautiful Midianite named Zipporah, who, after a brief consultation with her father, became his wife. Moses now had this whole new life far away from his murderous past, an idyllic life, a loving wife, a charming son, a white picket fence that did little to keep out the sand and scorpions of the desert, and he spent his days watching sheep, and his nights counting them.
One day, while walking with his sheep through the hills, he came upon a bush. Growing amidst the bush were a few poppies. Suddenly, the bush caught fire, and as the fire spread to the poppies, a sweet scent drifted up to Moses, who began to see the burning bush from a whole new perspective: it didn't appear to be burning at all, though it was on fire. And then he heard a voice speak to him out of the fire.
"Moses," the voice said.
"That's me," he whispered in awe.
"I am the God of your forefathers."
"Which one? My forefathers have many Gods, Ra, Osiris, the whole lot of them."
"No, no, I am the one true God, the God of your real ancestors, the Hebrews."
"Hebrews? You mean, I'm a slave?"
"You are a great man. You will lead my chosen people out of slavery and into a land of milk and honey."
"Where is this fabled land?"
"It is the land of Canaan."
"Canaan? Milk and honey? Ah, excuse me for a minute, but are we talking about that desert country, sand, dirt, dust, that kind of place?"
"You will go back to the Pharaoh, and you will say to him "My God has commanded that you set my people free." And you will lead them to their freedom in the land that has always been ordained for them."
"And Pharaoh will listen to me? To me, Moses, pampered pretend prince and son of sniveling slaves?"
"Spare me the pretty alliteration. Just return to Egypt and do as I have instructed thee."
"But..."
"No 'buts'. Just do it." The voice of God paused. " 'Just do it'... hmm... I like that. I'll have to write it down somewhere. I'm sure that someday, it will make a great advertising slogan." The voice of God trailed off and Moses was left alone, slightly stoned, but alone.
Moses went back to Egypt with his family, and went before Pharaoh. "Pharaoh, I am Moses. My God has commanded you to set the Hebrews free."
"And what God is this?"
"The God who struck another certain Pharaoh blind, so do what you're told."
"Oh." Pharaoh swallowed loudly. "Very well. Take them."
Moses blinked. That had been easy. "Why, thank you Pharaoh. I will go ready us for our departure then."
No sooner had Moses left than the Pharaoh changed his mind. He rescinded the order, intensified the work effort of the Hebrews through a few more beatings, whippings, and feedings to the Great Crocodile, and basically, made life Hell. Who cared if Canaan was dusty? It had to be better than this.
Back to Pharaoh Moses went, and this time he was angry. "You broke your word. Let my people go."
"Make me."
Moses smiled. "Your wish, oh mighty one, is my command."
Moses stormed out of the palace, went down to the Nile, and touched it with his staff. It was just an ordinary staff that he had carved one midsummer's morning in Midian, but it changed the Nile to blood. This of course made laundry, swimming, and especially drinking rather difficult.
Pharaoh relented, and Moses changed the river back to water. Then Pharaoh changed his mind, and Moses called down a plague of frogs. A universal cry of despair went up from all the peoples of Egypt, but Pharaoh was deaf to it, for a particularly large bullfrog was sitting on his shoulder, croaking loudly. He called Moses to the palace.
"Okay, you win. Take the miserable Hebrews out of here, but please, just make the frogs go away."
Moses smiled in victory. The frogs disappeared. Pharaoh changed his mind.
This happened again, and again, and again, and again. And again. And again. Rivers of blood. Frogs everywhere. Lice. Flies. Boils. PBS pledge drives. Hail. All the crops turned to spinach and brussel sprouts. Endless darkness.
Finally, God and Moses sat down and came up with a really good idea. It took them a while, sitting up all night and drinking lots of coffee (God took his black but Moses preferred his with just a bit of ground-up golden calf). Yes, it took them a long time, but when they finally thought of the master plague, they laughed into the wee hours of the morning.
"Pharaoh," Moses called from the street outside the palace. "Yoo-hoo! Pharaoh!"
The King of Egypt appeared in a window above him. "What now Hebrew?"
"Have you reconsidered?"
"No. Your people are staying. Go home, get a life, watch Oprah or something."
"Okay, I'll do that." He turned to go, paused, turned back. "Oh, by the way, all the firstborn sons in Egypt will be struck dead tonight."
Pharaoh laughed. "Oh yeah. By you and what army?"
Moses shrugged his shoulders. "Don't say I didn't warn you." He walked down the street, whistling a merry little tune.
The next morning, Pharaoh wandered sleepily down the hall to his son's nursery. He yawned, stretched, opened the door, and turned on the light. He yawned again, a yawn that turned into a cough as he gazed upon the mangled body of the crown prince of Egypt lying in the cradle.
"Oh boy," he mumbled. "My wife is going to kill me."
Moses soon received an invitation for tea at the palace of the Pharaoh, which came as no surprise. He dressed and went forth from his hut, and, staff in hand, entered the palace with an offensively smug smile on his face.
"So Pharaoh," he grinned. "Have you reconsidered?"
"Moses, pal, buddy," began the Pharaoh, placing one hand in a friendly fashion upon Moses' shoulder. "I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement. What do you want? A pyramid named after you?"
"Set my people free."
"How about money? Power? Girls?"
"Set my people free."
"An all-expense paid trip for two to Greece? I hear it’s very nice this time of year."
"Set my people free."
Pharaoh frowned. "Okay, I'm picking up some very uncompromisable energy from you. You're just not going to budge from this little national self-determination thing of yours, are you?"
"Set my people free." He spoke each word slowly. "Which word aren't you understanding?"
Pharaoh threw up his hands in disgust. "Fine, take your smelly Hebrew cousins and brothers and all their goats and cows and everything and just get your pathetic Israelite carcasses off my property."
Moses stood to leave. "Thanks old chap. It's been a pleasure doing business with you."
And so the Israelites were released from bondage and set out on a journey across the desert. It was hot and dry, as was likely to be while in the desert. The Red Sea was a welcome sight; anything wet would have been a welcome sight, excluding, of course, the Nile, for that had all those bad memories of the Great Crocodile attached to it. Moses called a lunch break on the shores of the Red Sea, partly because his feet hurt but mostly because he didn't have the faintest idea how in hell they were supposed to get across.
"God," he called. "I could really use a hand right now." The sound of distant applause drifted in from afar. "No, I mean I need help. We have this really big puddle to get across here, and I can't swim."
"You think that's your only problem?" God replied. "Look behind you."
Moses did so, and was more than a little dismayed to find Pharaoh and his army sneaking up behind him. He threw his staff to the ground in disgust. "See? I told you firstborn sons weren't enough. We should have gone for the whole bloody race."
"Now, now Moses, that's not very nice of you. Anyway, I foresaw this eventuality with the sea and all, and so I gave a call to my old schoolmate Neptune, and, well, he's going to drain the sea or something, but only while he's taking his bath. So you'll have to hurry."
No sooner had God finished then the sea began to drain, being siphoned off into some unseen divine Jacuzzi. Moses shouted for his people to hurry across, and they did, moving even faster when Moses said that Neptune could finish his bath at any time, especially if he ran out of bubbles. Just as the last Israelite crossed the empty ground, the first Egyptian soldier reached the opposite shore.
Moses swore loudly. The last thing he needed was for a highly trained Egyptian army to come running up his butt. In exasperation, he slumped wearily to the ground, letting his staff fall from his fingers. As soon as the staff touched the ground, the sea filled once again, drowning Pharaoh and his army.
"Wow!" Moses murmured in awe. "That's one hell of a piece of wood."
The Israelites were now free to wander where they chose, and they could take their time doing it. No more Egyptians, no more building pyramids, no more spending fretful nights dreaming about the Great Crocodile. Now they could get back to their roots and worry about the truly important things in life, like being fruitful.
During one particularly intense attempt at group fruitfulness, Moses went for a walk up a nearby mountain to take a breather. While on the mountain, he passed out from physical overexertion, and had a vision.
God came to him in this vision, and sat with him as he used to do. They chatted about the weather and sports, and God commented on how happy he was that everyone was working so hard to multiply and all, but, he added, he felt it was time for the Israelites to start giving him a bit more recognition. Consequently, he'd come up with a few 'suggestions' on proper behavior, and he 'recommended' that Moses try to ensure that people considered following them. Moses asked God what they were. God told him.
In dismay, Moses woke from his dream and went down the hill, and gathered all the people around him. "I have spoken with God and he has given us laws. We will follow these laws and hold them to be the most sacred commandments in every facet of our lives. These then are the words of God."
God himself imparted his laws to his chosen people.
" 1. I am God. The One and Only. Any other gods you may meet are charlatans and frauds, and yes, that includes you too, Zeus.
' 2. You shall not bow down before any false idols. See Rule One.
' 3. You shall not take my name in vain. If you have to swear that badly, there's a whole repertoire of delightful four-letter words created for just such an occasion.
' 4. Keep holy the Sabbath day, which will last from Friday at sundown until Saturday at sundown. You may do no work this day, but must instead veg out and watch Saturday morning cartoons.
' 5. Honor your father and mother, for without them, you would not be here hearing the voice of God.
' 6. Don't kill. I had this discussion with a young chap named Cain once, and so let me get this on the record now. Murder is bad. War is worse, with the following exceptions: the Second Punic War, the Second World War, the War of the Worlds, and any war which America feels it has to become involved in, because, of course, America is destined to be the center of the universe.
' 7. Don't commit adultery. I know this takes the fun out of being fruitful and such, but the definition of adultery doesn't negate the possibility of two unmarried people having sex; as long as its consensual and involves no barnyard animals, go for it.
' 8. Don't steal, unless you really really have to.
' 9. Don't lie, unless your life, the life of a priest, or the future of the world depends upon it. I can't see many times when that third exception can be used, so I'd stick to the other two if I were you.
' 10. Now, for this last one, I was going to say you shouldn't covet your neighbor’s house, wife, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or satellite dish, but then I reconsidered. I mean, a little coveting never really hurt anyone, did it? So for my final law, I prohibit the use of the following: aerosol cans, automobiles, and any other CFC-spewing agent. If you only knew how much work it took me to get the ozone layer nice and thick....
' Well, that's it folks. Have fun." And God was gone.
The people were silent. Awe of God radiated from them. He was so wise they had not understood many of his references. All they knew was that they would never ever ever break any of his laws. Ever.
Moses went on a short vacation with his family. He left his brother Aaron in charge. The people grew uneasy when Moses had been gone for quite a while. They went to Aaron and asked him to make them an idol, to represent the God that had vanished with Moses. He did so. He got all the gold from all the people in the camp and melted it down, but he still needed more. He sat down with a few close friends and came up with a plan. Late Friday night, a band of Israelites sneaked into a nearby Ishmaelite camp and stole much gold. One of the thieves, a man named Hazor, met an Ishmaelite woman there, and he was fruitful with her, then killed her husband when he walked in on them. He then killed the woman and took all her gold back to camp.
Aaron built a golden goat. He had been hoping for a cow, but they hadn't managed to find enough gold. Just as the Israelites began bowing down before the goat, praising it as a god, Moses returned.
"What is this? Why is there this obscene worship in the tent of our parents? You have dishonored them brother."
"Christ," Aaron mumbled. Aloud, he said, "But Moses, we are not worshipping this goat. It is but a present for you."
The voice of God spoke loud and clear. "Israelites! You have, in twenty-four hours, managed to break nine of my ten commandments. I'm sure you'd have broken the tenth as well if you had found some hairspray lying around. As punishment, I forbid you to enter Canaan now. You must spend forty years in this desert for penance. So there."
Forty years may not seem like a long time in the scope of history, and it's very likely that forty years would have passed in the blink of an eye for the Israelites if they had been, say, in southern California, but, as it was, they were in the Sinai desert, and forty years seemed more like four hundred. But, eventually, after much wandering back and forth around the same rock or pile of sand, forty years were over, and the promised entry into Canaan could finally take place.
Moses was old by this time though, and the pace at which the Israelites moved out of the desert toward Canaan was too much for his poor heart. They neared the border. He had only to go a few more steps. Suddenly he stopped, gasped, and said "sharp... pain... in... chest. Cannot go... on." With those final words, Moses, great deliverer of the Hebrew people keeled over and died, thereby bringing an end to his days of being fruitful.