When Jesus pulled his Houdini act on his disciples, he left them bewildered and alone. He’d been the Messiah after all; the rest were just camp followers. Without Jesus, what would they do with themselves?
During the Feast of Pentecost, they were all together, doing the bread/wine thing in remembrance of days past. John, hitherto unknown and unimportant, had a brainstorm.
“You know how Jesus was always, like, talking and teaching and, you know, saying stuff right?”
“Yeah, we vaguely recall,” Peter snapped. “The guy barely ever shut up.” Peter was still sore about Jesus’ weight crack.
“Well, what if we, like, put all those bloody stories together and sold it as a new religion? Not only would it bring meaning to peoples; lives, it could be really lucrative. I mean, if it takes off, we’d all be set for life!”
The other disciples pondered this for a bit. But it didn’t take too long. Fishermen were a dime a dozen in Judaea, but apostles of the One True God were pretty much a rarity. The financial possibilities were endless!
And so they went out, John, Peter, Willy, Dick, Harry, and the rest, and preached the words of Jesus.
“It is easier for a wise man to enter Heaven than it is for a Roman to hide his beak.”
“Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and give also to Caesar’s what is God’s, cuz Caesar has a long reach and will kick your butt.”
“Blessed are the little children. It’s when they grow up that they become annoying.”
“Jesus was born of a virgin and lived without sin. And if there was any sinning, no comment!”
Their words made sense to the troubled people of Palestine, and the followers of Christ grew. And grew. To the point where Caiaphas and the other Pharisees started to get pissed off again.
“We killed that Jesus guy. How can he still be such a nuisance?” they asked each other. “Goddam, do you think maybe we were wrong? No, of course not. We’re the Pharisees. By definition, we’re right.”
And so the Pharisees made plans to do with those so-called Christians the same thing they’d done with that so-called Christ. And just to start things off on the right foot, they hired a mean SOB named Saul and got him to stone to death the apostle called Stephen. All in all, the game was off: Pharisees: 1, Apostles: 0.
Stonings aside, the apostles had their gameplan ready. They ambushed Saul on his way to Damascus, kicked the crap out of him, and then proceeded to brainwash him using the tried-and-true technique of thirty pieces of silver. A day. For the rest of his life. As long as he promoted Jesus to everyone he met.
And that’s what Saul did. Of course, for no particular reason, he changed his name to Paul. Maybe he’d done his research into the whole Yahweh/Jehovah, Abram/Abraham, Israelites/Hebrews thing and figured that two names for the same person was the “in” thing. But Paul/Saul travelled the known world preaching the message of Jesus, occasionally being beaten or jailed, occasionally subject to the odd shipwreck or earthquake, occasionally doing the odd miracle. It all sounds really exciting, but really, it’s not.
And here’s why.
Paul was in love with a cloth-maker in Lydia, who made the most gorgeous purple fabric that side of Tyre. However, this particular woman didn’t really fancy Paul, preferring to use his growing fame to get free cruises out to the Isle of Lesbos, where she wrote some groovy poetry under the pseudonym Sappho. The best of these poems “Ode to the Labia Part Six” fell into Paul’s hands while he was touring the varied temples of Greece. After that, a heartbroken Paul was decisively anti-sex.
“Never never never have sex,” he’d preach. “Not for any reasons. Under any circumstances.”
“But God told us to be fruitful,” those gathered would say.
“NEVER have sex. I never have sex and I am totally fulfilled and happy.”
“But…”
“There are no buts. Of all sins, sexual sins are the worst.”
“Worse than murder?”
“FAR worse. Sexuality leads to depravity and perversion. You wouldn’t believe the sick and twisted things I fantasize those sexual deviants do to each other. It’s abominable, and God will punish the depraved in famine, fire, and flood.”